26 Oct 2010 I’m Not Myself

I seem to be strangely untethered now in my dreams, ever since my mother passed away back on October 12th. She’d had Alzheimer’s really bad for the past few years, and her passing was somewhat anticipated, although as they say, it always comes as a shock. Her funeral last Thursday was strangely unemotional for me, a lonely funeral with lots of people. Somehow it didn’t seem to be about her, or perhaps as if she wasn’t even there. I didn’t attend the viewing of the body that was at my brother’s church just before. My son was a pallbearer. The pastor who ran the ceremony spoke about what a long life she’d lived, what she had seen, having been born in 1916: two world wars, the great depression, radio, television, and now the Internet. Telephones and now cell phones. He talked about families not holding grudges. Life is too short, he said. It was not a cold day, but it was windy. Family members I’d not seen in many years surrounded me.  We had gone to Chowchilla from Healdsburg that very morning and returned early that afternoon as soon as the reception was over. We left before it was over, although some people had started to leave. Lots of food. It was a solemn service, but not very sad. I felt a little dissatisfied about it all. I felt somewhat displaced, as if I wasn’t really a part of it.

03:00. I wake from a strange dream. I’m working for or with my father in a strange land. I am someone other than who I am in the real world. My father is not my real father either. Something has happened to my mother, his wife. I believe she has died. We are on our own for the first time, and things are not going well. We are not happy. We drive home for lunch, and I fix us something. I don’t get it right. It is bread and sliced avocadoes, if I remember correctly. I don’t get it right and he tells me so. We argue. I shout at him, and he falls quiet. Then he says that I will have to try harder if this is going to work. I feel bad and apologize.

The next part of the dream I can remember only partially. We are doing something, perhaps unpacking a truck. I’m pulling a long rolled plastic material out of a long flat sack. It’s like a long stuffed enchilada. I show my father what I’m doing. It seems important, but I can’t remember why.

Then the dream changes. I’m in a yard, perhaps the same yard, and I’m among a lot of animals. They are domesticated but run wild and don’t necessarily belong to us. I don’t remember my father being there any more or being a part of the dream. I see dogs and cats. I smelled something that is really bad, like something dead. I realize that it was an injured animal. I see a cat with its back end mostly eaten off by a dog. All the animals seem injured. Seems the dogs are eating the cats alive.

And then I see a really strange animal. It lies on the ground, and at first looks just like a clear membrane shack shaped like a gourd, but it then beins to move. Something within the membrane stretches until I can see its head, only it has two heads. Each head is like that of a snake. It has fangs. The two heads stretch the membrane but don’t break out. Their mouths open and stretch as if to strike. It is one animal with two heads.

I have a responsibility toward these animals. Somehow they are mine. This is some foreign country, and I’m a foreign person. I am not myself. I am someone else.

The dream didn’t end there, but that is all I remember.

I also remember part of a previous dream where I am a student, but the dream is not about school, college. It is about where I lived. Seems that I’ve had this dream before. This dream is about where I lived, an apartment complex. It’s old and rundown. At first, I’m glad to get the apartment because they are scarce, but later in the dream, I have been there a long time already and leaving. I have found someone else to take the apartment, and I’m showing her around. Seems the place is not in good shape. That is all I remember.

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