12 Dec 2011 More Than I Bargained For

I’m really enjoying my Active Imagination sessions at night now. I enjoy going into the Iris of Time and finding out how things work there. I’m exploring the vampire mythology, and it’s much more a process of discovery now than it is creation. Not only do my characters have their autonomy, my setting also has a presence that seems to go beyond my imagination. I’m not inventing. I’m exploring. So much so, that I don’t like typing while imagining the vampire world. I want to just explore it and not have the distraction of documenting it.

03:30 am. I just woke from a dream that I was living underground is  in some rock cavern. Something had happened, can’t remember what, but I was with several other people, and perhaps we had driven off some others.  We were walking across a rough, undulating granite surface in the dark with a rather low ceiling. Whatever event had happened was over, and several of us were talking. Perhaps two or three of us overseeing the underground group were talking to a couple of others who had come to help us. One of us, someone who seemed to have some authority over me, was telling those who had come to help us that we were happyer than ever being down there. But someone objected, perhaps it was me, because I had claustrophobia down there, and when the lights went out completely, my claustrophobic with the closeness of the ceiling, was more than I could bear. I looked down in the dim light and saw a tennis shoe, I believe. Why a shoe? I don’t know. But then the really bad claustrophoblia hit me, and I woke.

I can’t remember the first part of the dream. I can’t remember what the conflict was about. It had to do with some purpose. Something was going on, and it was very meaningful. This was a dream about committment, somehow. It was purposeful and meaningfulingful, but I can’t remember because the rest of the dream is buried in my Unconscious. The only reason I can remember any of the dream is that I was waking, coming out of my Unconscious. I remember saying, Oh no. I didn’t want to stay underground.

When I woke, I sensed the claustrophobia. Once awake, I realized that the dream seemed to have to do with the vampire novel I’m writing. My protoganist has gone underground with the vampires in a cavern, a situation similar to that of my dream. What sort of nightmare I creating?

Years ago, I was in Europe on business, and after my business was over, I went unto the Austrian Alps with a couple of business associates to hike hütte to hütte. The second night out, I woke shortly after going to sleep, and I knew something was wrong. At first I was just scared, but then I realized something was wrong inside me. The hütte was particularly dark, absolutely dark really, and this was the most frightening thing I’d ever encountered. In my dream tonight, I was afraid of that same darkness, of not being able to see anything. Not being able to form an image with my eyes open was frightening. I’ve not ever overcome the terror of experiencing absolute darkness. I felt that same fear in my dream tonight knowing that I was going to have to stay in that underground cavern. I both wanted to be down there, to experience that claustrophobia essentially, and was dreadfully afraid at the same time. Some aspect of it seemed intriguing, yet absolutely terrifying.

I also have a connection to caverns. Several times I’ve been in the Carlsbad Caverns in New mexico. The caverns are artifically lit, and the guides take you into a particularly remote portion of the cavern and turn off all the lights. They talk to you about darkness and how your eyes adjust to darkness over a period of ten or fifteen minutes, and they let you experience that total darkness that you’ve never experienced before in your life. Then they strike a single match, and the amazing thing is that one small match lights up the entire room, the huge cavernous room. I remember the intimacy I felt with our band of perhaps thirty tourists, and the guide talking to us. The darkness seemed to draw us together. He also mentioned and had us notice the absolute quiet of the cavern. The world above ground has both stray light and sound that permeates our existence, but at a low lever and unnoticable until it’s all gone as it was there in the cavern. The only thing you could hear down there was the dripping of water and the rustle of other tourists. But the dark was total.

My character in my vampire novel has gone into such a cavern to be with other vampires. She experiences this total darkness and quiet when they turn out the lights to sleep. They then experience a community dream.

So within this little vampire novel that I was suppose to write quickly and with a minimum of philosophical content, I’ve come across my most troubling and trying psychological aberations. My biggest demons lurk within my little horror story.

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