All yesterday afternoon I was listless, bored. Nothing interested me. Didn’t know what to make of myself. Last night, I went to sleep without trying AI, which is unusual for me. Just wasn’t interested. Fell asleep immediately but woke an hour and a half later feeling uncomfortable, restless. Couldn’t quit moving.
I decided to try AI to see if something from my Unconscious was bothering me. Perhaps in this state of duress, something would come forward. Without turning on a light, I opened my laptop and started to type with my eyes closed. I saw a pale glow in the darkness. I kept watching and waiting for something to come forward. I started talking to myself, then saw some weird dynamics, a plastic looking dashboard moving about. Then nothing, so I tried to find Phemenoe. I hadn’t been able to contact her since the flood. “Please help, Phemenoe,” I said. “I don’t feel well. What’s wrong with me? Is this psychically induced?” Just a blank screen in front of me.
Then a dog entered my vision from the right, perhaps a golden retriever. It turned to walk directly away from me but stopped. It’s tail was fluffy, sparkling fur. The fur at the end of its tail separated into a circular pattern, so that the circle traveled along the tail toward the dog. It was beautiful, fur separating while a circular object pushed forward through the dog’s tail fur. Then it stopped, and the fur changed into the petals of a golden flower with a circular center. This seemed to be another symbol, like that of the spinning balls. Then, quite suddenly, I realized that I was looking at the dog’s asshole. At the same time, I heard the words, “This is what I think of your symbols.” I had been tricked.
I was shocked and horrified. I suffered a moment of devastating disillusionment. Everything I had done with Active Imagination seemed wrong.
The voice spoke again. “I told you that you shouldn’t be here. You shouldn’t be doing this.”
I realized that the voice was right. I shouldn’t be doing this. I wondered it was God who’d tricked me? Was God speaking to me? I realized that I shouldn’t be keeping this blog. I felt like an idiot. I put my laptop back on the nightstand. I knew I could never post on my blog what had just happened. How could I keep going? I slumped into a silent desperation and finally fell back to sleep. I woke again in another hour and half. I was still in the midst of that terrible restlessness. I kept thinking how naive I’d been to believe I could do Active Imagination alone. I needed professional help. I could go insane. I remembered the hard times I’d had in the past, times when I’d lost confidence in my own internal psychic stability. [See Oedipus on a Pale Horse, pp. 128, 130, 139, 152/3, 203/4, 211/12.] I slept again and woke after another hour and a half, still with the restless feeling. Then slept.
I woke this morning feeling better and without much of the devastated feeling, and also with a less critical attitude toward this blog. I stayed in bed and, while still drowsy, tried to contact the personage who tricked me with the dog’s tail. Since I didn’t have time to write it down what happened immediately afterward, I’ve lost most of the conversation that followed. But I do remember that he (it was a male voice) talked to me but refused to show his face or tell me his name. He tried to tell me that he was the man I’d seen before in the brown sports jacket, but I knew that wasn’t true and told him so. That was an academic, a scholar, I said. He didn’t argue with me about it. He told me again that I shouldn’t be doing AI and posting on this blog. I told him that I also had my concerns and doubts about doing it, but that I also felt that it was a benefit to explore the connection between writing fiction and AI. I also said that AI was a natural activity and possibly had no way to prohibit myself from accessing the Unconscious. Again I asked him who he was, and he said he was my Nemesis. I accepted that. I also told him that I valued his opinion and would continue to question the validity of me practicing AI without professional guidance and also writing this blog. This seemed to take some of the steam out of his anger.
This hostile personage also told me that the Pythia had been swept away by the flood and would no longer be available to me. I’m inclined to believe this, but also think that the situation is temporary and that she may return.
The session simply dissipated. It didn’t have a definite ending. After a bit, I realized it was over.
Something about my dreams and AI sessions: I frequently notice connections with events and objects in my real-world environment. One might be tempted to believe that the entire dream/session was nothing more than a retelling of an episode that occurred during the previous day. However, I don’t believe this to be true. I think that, in light of what Jung has said (not sure where), the Unconscious has difficult expressing itself so that I will understand. It gets around this difficult by wrapping its content in my real-world culture. This allows it to express itself. I’m inclined to simply ignore these associations because I believe they are a distraction from what is important in the material coming across the bridge during an AI session.